2017: a year of all time lows or a year of growth?

This year has not been the easiest. It seemed like every time I thought I had finally had a breakthrough and established solid happiness, something went wrong and my depression became active.
I saw this thing on social media that said “1 like and I’ll post something good that happened.” So I decided to share it, thinking “oh this will be easy.” It got 33 likes. The first 6 or 7 were so easy; making it 1 year at the best job ever, building relationships w amazing co workers, moving in with my bestfriends, spending time with my family, going on vacation with the families I babysit for, my sisters wedding, my nephew turning 2.. but after that, I went blank. I couldn’t think of any other “good” things that happened in 2017. How could I possibly list thirty three positive things that came from this crazy, stressful year? Instead, I replayed every mental break down, depressed, numb- feeling moment throughout the year.

2017 was one of the worst years I’ve had. There were so many moments I felt so weak, so broken, and lost. Like I had so much to look forward to, but suddenly everything came crashing down and blocked my view of the good things in my life. It was a viscous cycle: Build strength, become happy again, one bad day and BOOM my depression was completely active again. I would go weeks at a time crying every night/ day. Whether it was at 11pm at night or 11am while on my lunch break. It didn’t matter the time of day, I couldn’t help it, but I also couldn’t let anyone see. I felt so alone and for that I convinced myself I was being selfish. Selfish for feeling alone when I was surrounded by friends and family. Selfish for feeling so depressed when others had it worse, they had bigger problems. But looking back now, I wasn’t being selfish at all… I was dealing with a mental illness and that was something I could not help.
Yes, I have so many wonderful people in my life who would do absolutely anything for me. Yes, I appreciate them so much. Yes, I have a God that I pray to and know He is always with me. But at the same time, sometimes the person you need in life to really feel whole is yourself. I felt so alone because I wasn’t myself. I didn’t have myself, I couldn’t rely on myself, and that is why I felt so alone. I prayed and prayed to God to help me find myself again.
This year, I also learned that just because other people have bigger problems, doesn’t mean mine aren’t important. I never really accepted this until I helped one of my best friends through a breakdown. She described exactly how I was feeling- that she is selfish for caring about her problems because others have more serious ones. It wasn’t until the moment I heard her say that, that I realized how utterly ridiculous that was. If something is impacting your everyday life and is taking a toll on your mental/ physical health, it’s a problem that should be cared about. Yes, someone has it worse, but that doesn’t mean your problems don’t exist. I finally realized that I shouldn’t ignore my problems and keep them to myself. As much as I hated leaning on others, I learned to lean on family and friends and stopped telling myself I was being selfish. Most times, it helped to do so, because we could work through things together, and both grow from it.

This year has not been easy. At all. It was a year of losing myself and being disappointed in myself. It was a year of depression, stress, and emptiness. But it was also a year of life lessons, growth, and overcoming breakdowns.

I was supposed to share 33 “good” things that happened this year. Above, I listed 8. But it finally hit me.. looking back, every day that I went without feeling broken was a “good” thing. Every time I helped someone else through a hard day, was a “good” thing. Every time I got back up after a breakdown was a “good” thing. So here it is! My list of 33 “good” things of 2017.
• I was the maid of honor in my sister’s wedding
• I accomplished one year at the best job ever and grew so much within the job
• I gained friendships with the most amazing co workers
• My nephew turned two
• I went on vacation with my favorite families
• My parents 27th anniversary was this year
• I completed this first semester in the Social work program
• I grew as a person

• I moved in with my best friends
• I took on an Executive board position for my dance team
• I spent time with family
•  I spent my summer building an amazing friendship with someone I lost touch with and now call her one of my very best friends- the friendship we have is amazing
• I spent my summer with my two best guy friends
• I maintained friendships that I thought were fading away
• I performed in my first showcase with my college dance team
• I made new friends
• My sister got pregnant
• My older brother got a new job
• My little brother started his junior year in high school
• I started writing more
• As much as I hate going, I went to classes
• I paid for my tuition this semester without a student loan
• I met amazing people
• I went to a concert
• My faith in God grew deeper

Things that were “good” I just didn’t realize it
• I woke up every day
• I pulled myself together after a lunch break of crying
• My best friend leaned on me in her worst moments
• I sat with a friend and listened to the stories not many people know about
• My depression was very active (this is “good” because though it was active, these moments helped me build strength)
• I opened up to my family about my mental health
• I made mistakes (which I learned from)
• I lost myself (which allowed me to recreate myself)

Sometimes, we are too focused on the definition that society gives “good” to create our own. Sometimes the worst thing that could occur, turns out to be a blessing, because it helps us become who we are. I guess my point in writing this blog is to let people going through hard times know that it is okay to not be okay. That even though they might have a rough day, month, heck, even year- not to give up, because you CAN get better. And that even though you might not see many “good” things on the surface, every day you overcome a hardship, is a good moment. And that’s very important to recognize. This year was “better” than I first thought & I was stronger than I thought… and you are, too.

xoxo, simpLIZity